E's Dreaming

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#015: Anywhere Else But HereIt was around the same time too, the last time I met you. We met just a little before sundown. You talked about your plans of moving somewhere else when you get out of the hospital. To Paris or New York or Alaska.You asked if I had plans to live in a different place as well, somewhere far. Somewhere not here. I said yes. You said I should move out sooner. Within the month, if possible.It was obvious you didn’t want me there to watch you inch away from life.You wanted more days, and I wished for forever for you.

#015: Anywhere Else But Here

It was around the same time too, the last time I met you. We met just a little before sundown. You talked about your plans of moving somewhere else when you get out of the hospital. To Paris or New York or Alaska.


You asked if I had plans to live in a different place as well, somewhere far. Somewhere not here. I said yes. 

You said I should move out sooner. Within the month, if possible.

It was obvious you didn’t want me there to watch you inch away from life.

You wanted more days, and I wished for forever for you.

#014: Inwards and GonePerhaps, he thinks, the only way to get over this is to shut his mind off for a while. If there is some sort of switch for turning off his capacity to think, he hopes it shows itself before he physically crumbles from the sheer pain of knowing it’s his fault. You’d think that with pride being so common, it’ll be so easy to set aside. But when it’s one of your only possessions, it becomes so hard to let go. Instead, it becomes a black hole, slowly taking away what few you have left.And now the only person that ever mattered has left.

#014: Inwards and Gone

Perhaps, he thinks, the only way to get over this is to shut his mind off for a while. If there is some sort of switch for turning off his capacity to think, he hopes it shows itself before he physically crumbles from the sheer pain of knowing it’s his fault. 


You’d think that with pride being so common, it’ll be so easy to set aside. But when it’s one of your only possessions, it becomes so hard to let go. Instead, it becomes a black hole, slowly taking away what few you have left.

And now the only person that ever mattered has left.

#013: BlossomingAt the back of their minds is something that they aren’t willing to admit. After all, how do they go on telling about something as unpredictable and persistent as that which is welling in their hearts, threatening to tear apart not only their chests, but also the bond they worked so hard to form and strengthen with the utmost fondness?

#013: Blossoming

At the back of their minds is something that they aren’t willing to admit. After all, how do they go on telling about something as unpredictable and persistent as that which is welling in their hearts, threatening to tear apart not only their chests, but also the bond they worked so hard to form and strengthen with the utmost fondness?

#012: If Only
The aftertaste of the 7th cigarette I lighted the last time I met you at the café was bitter, and I swear I felt my lungs giving in and my heart giving up.  I could feel your eyes observing me as you sat there, left hand cupping your cheek, right hand fiddling with the teaspoon, elbows on the table. You tried to look nonchalant about it, pretending to stare out the window when all you ever wanted to see was me, withering silently at the corner of your eye.
I never told anyone about it. I tried to ignore it. But the truth is, the hole in which I stored everything I wanted to say to you has expanded without me noticing.
Since when did we stop talking about the more important things?
Since when did I start running away from you and your lips, and your eyes, and your cheeks and your lips and…
I kissed you because that was the only thing I ever wanted to do. And you kissed me because that is the only thing you could ever do for me. My lips tasted of smoke and regrets and desire; yours tasted of pity and valediction.
Because you knew we could have had everything we ever wanted.
If only we said it out loud.
—-
A/N: Inspired by R. Siken. "You said I could have anything I wanted, but I just couldn’t say it out loud."

#012: If Only

The aftertaste of the 7th cigarette I lighted the last time I met you at the café was bitter, and I swear I felt my lungs giving in and my heart giving up.  I could feel your eyes observing me as you sat there, left hand cupping your cheek, right hand fiddling with the teaspoon, elbows on the table. You tried to look nonchalant about it, pretending to stare out the window when all you ever wanted to see was me, withering silently at the corner of your eye.

I never told anyone about it. I tried to ignore it. But the truth is, the hole in which I stored everything I wanted to say to you has expanded without me noticing.

Since when did we stop talking about the more important things?

Since when did I start running away from you and your lips, and your eyes, and your cheeks and your lips and…

I kissed you because that was the only thing I ever wanted to do. And you kissed me because that is the only thing you could ever do for me. My lips tasted of smoke and regrets and desire; yours tasted of pity and valediction.

Because you knew we could have had everything we ever wanted.

If only we said it out loud.

—-

A/N: Inspired by R. Siken. "You said I could have anything I wanted, but I just couldn’t say it out loud."

(Source: stifledlaughters)

#011: Your Heart on Your Sleeve
Unspoken words spread out and touch the sleeves of our shirts, the shyness, relentless, and not too far away from causing pink-colored faces. We continue to watch the flickering of the screen, our shoulders not quite touching, but are speaking in volumes that always send a shiver down my spine.
If we were to converse again, I know that it would not be about what we always wanted to say, or what we secretly wanted to talk about. Because I could never ask, and you could never answer.
If there was a definitive answer to my silenced question, I would be happy to know that it came from you. If there was not a definitive answer to my silenced question, I would be consoled by those gentle eyes, or that soft pat on the shoulder conveying everything that I need to know.
So here is everything I could never tell you.

#011: Your Heart on Your Sleeve

Unspoken words spread out and touch the sleeves of our shirts, the shyness, relentless, and not too far away from causing pink-colored faces. We continue to watch the flickering of the screen, our shoulders not quite touching, but are speaking in volumes that always send a shiver down my spine.

If we were to converse again, I know that it would not be about what we always wanted to say, or what we secretly wanted to talk about. Because I could never ask, and you could never answer.

If there was a definitive answer to my silenced question, I would be happy to know that it came from you. If there was not a definitive answer to my silenced question, I would be consoled by those gentle eyes, or that soft pat on the shoulder conveying everything that I need to know.

So here is everything I could never tell you.

#010: Every Little Thing
Over the course of accidentally meeting him, writing him that one note during a Valentine’s several years ago, finally meeting him again at the café written on said note, meeting him several hundred more times, and finally admitting to having fallen in love with him, she’d come to realize, and appreciate, the fact that he always knew when something’s up. 
Every little thing—the twitching of eyebrows, the side-glances, the biting of lips—was indicative of how she really felt.

#010: Every Little Thing

Over the course of accidentally meeting him, writing him that one note during a Valentine’s several years ago, finally meeting him again at the café written on said note, meeting him several hundred more times, and finally admitting to having fallen in love with him, she’d come to realize, and appreciate, the fact that he always knew when something’s up.

Every little thing—the twitching of eyebrows, the side-glances, the biting of lips—was indicative of how she really felt.

#009: Crossing Bridges
You thought it would be best to cross the bridge.
So you crossed it, and your bravery was well admired.
But it got you to a place where your mind churned and your heart cried.
The bridge was one way this time.
And you lost a friend.

#009: Crossing Bridges

You thought it would be best to cross the bridge.

So you crossed it, and your bravery was well admired.

But it got you to a place where your mind churned and your heart cried.

The bridge was one way this time.

And you lost a friend.

#008: When You Turned Off The Lights
That one moment before you turned off the lights was the last time you saw her.
She wasn’t there the next morning. Not in your room. Not in your reach. Not in your life. There was nothing left but the scent of her perfume diffusing inside the room and that little note by the bedside table, reading "I’m sorry."
Sitting on your bed quietly, unmoving, you wondered if something else flipped when you turned off the lights.
Perhaps the sound of her voice didn’t flick your heart anymore.
Perhaps the touch of her hair on your cheek didn’t feel as tingly.
Perhaps her hand felt rougher than it did before.
Perhaps her eyes…
Yes, her eyes looked empty that night.
And the spark had been doused with water.
The moment you turned off the lights.

#008: When You Turned Off The Lights

That one moment before you turned off the lights was the last time you saw her.

She wasn’t there the next morning. Not in your room. Not in your reach. Not in your life. There was nothing left but the scent of her perfume diffusing inside the room and that little note by the bedside table, reading "I’m sorry."

Sitting on your bed quietly, unmoving, you wondered if something else flipped when you turned off the lights.

Perhaps the sound of her voice didn’t flick your heart anymore.

Perhaps the touch of her hair on your cheek didn’t feel as tingly.

Perhaps her hand felt rougher than it did before.

Perhaps her eyes…

Yes, her eyes looked empty that night.

And the spark had been doused with water.

The moment you turned off the lights.

#007: Semblance of Happiness
No one else ever knew. And no one else will probably ever know everything that ever happened behind the scenes. Fate was the only one who kept a close eye on things, and it was only right. Things are much more magical when they happen behind the doors. 
And for her, for him, this memory will forever be a good one—a semblance of happiness etched at the back of their minds, something that will always be remembered fondly without being tainted by everyone else’s knowledge of it. An intimate secret that only they will be able to smile about after everything’s over.

#007: Semblance of Happiness

No one else ever knew. And no one else will probably ever know everything that ever happened behind the scenes. Fate was the only one who kept a close eye on things, and it was only right. Things are much more magical when they happen behind the doors. 

And for her, for him, this memory will forever be a good one—a semblance of happiness etched at the back of their minds, something that will always be remembered fondly without being tainted by everyone else’s knowledge of it. An intimate secret that only they will be able to smile about after everything’s over.

#006: Only For Now
Only the green grass in the meadows.Only the rivers forever running.Only the sky that changes colors.And the rainbow that graces it.
Only the mountain you almost climbed.Only the the flowers in your garden.Or the trees in your neighbor’s backyard.Only the parents rejoicing your coming home.Or the friends who waited for you.Especially for you.
Only the people you ever met.Or never met. Only the tightening of the chest.Or the pain that travels down the spine.Only the madness and curiosity. 
Only the dreams once broken, twice aspired.Only the hope never lost. Only the love always shared.Despite and in spite of.Only this world. And several others over.
For now.

#006: Only For Now

Only the green grass in the meadows.
Only the rivers forever running.
Only the sky that changes colors.
And the rainbow that graces it.

Only the mountain you almost climbed.
Only the the flowers in your garden.
Or the trees in your neighbor’s backyard.
Only the parents rejoicing your coming home.
Or the friends who waited for you.
Especially for you.


Only the people you ever met.
Or never met. 

Only the tightening of the chest.
Or the pain that travels down the spine.

Only the madness and curiosity. 


Only the dreams once broken, twice aspired.
Only the hope never lost. 
Only the love always shared.
Despite and in spite of.


Only this world. And several others over.

For now.